North Star Conversations Transcript: Acceptance is Not Resignation—Courtney Wells, PhD

Brandon Gimbel (00:00)

The idea of acceptance, what people associate with acceptance, what I hear is sadness, resignation, mourning, right? People are not excited with the idea of accepting things as they are. The concepts of ACT are so aligned with the concepts of Buddhism, the concepts of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). So there's clearly a common thread of lot of smart people saying, "hey, this is the way." But there's something really interesting about the enthusiasm that you're describing ACT with. And then also this idea that a lot of patients are apprehensive about.

Courtney Wells (00:33)

Oh my gosh, yes. For someone who has experienced trauma in their past, some of those practiced behaviors are inextricably tied to survival. And so things I have used to survive past traumas—us talking about acceptance, us thinking about acceptance doesn't untether that. It still feels like survival. So when I'm sitting with someone and we're talking about working to accept a feeling or an experience that they're having internally, that they have fought to resist, there is not an ounce of joy or excitement about moving in that direction. And so when we think about ACT, it's also where that committed piece in that what really matters to you becomes so important. Because what are we doing this acceptance?— Why am I having this feeling and not doing the thing I usually do to get rid of it? Knowing what it's in service of allows us to challenge ourselves to tolerate something a little bit longer, to build a new skill set that's really uncomfortable. I also think we live in the Western culture, just a bombarding of messaging about if you don't like it, change it. If you don't like it, fix it. If you don't like it, fight it, do something different, do something else. This is one of the many areas where it really shows up as such a profound disservice to us, because that strategy doesn't really work, especially when it's internal experiences.

Brandon Gimbel (01:52)

The idea of “buy a new car,” or “get a new partner,” or “quit your job,” right? At a certain point, wherever you go, there you are. And at a certain point, the work of acceptance, accepting who you are and what you've experienced, is necessary.